A Modest Proposal

I have done a lot of thinking about what kind of column needs to replace Father’s Flicks in the Catholic Sun. As a reader of the Catholic Sun, my primary complaint about Fr. Carpenter’s column was that he seemed very out of touch with the masses.

When I talk to my friends about what they look for in a movie review most of their requirements are very practical. They want to know things like: Is this movie going to justify the cost of a babysitter? Should I wait until it’s on video? Am I going to plead on my deathbed for the return of the two hours I invested in this film?

They really want to know about the quality of the movie, as well. Is this movie going to make my job of being a good Catholic person/parent/spouse easier or more difficult? Is the movie entertaining? Is the world a better place because of this movie?

With the exception of “Is the movie entertaining?” most film critics don’t address these questions. (And many of them don’t do much good on that question, either.) I propose to write a column that answers all of them, but also helps form Catholics into knowledgeable movie/media consumers.

Catholics and other Christians complain that a diet of today’s movies is bad for their spiritual health. This is undoubtedly true, but there is a reason for it. The movie industry, like the restaurant business, is about supply and demand. If nobody pays to eat what’s good for them, restaurants will serve what’s bad.

We’re being served leftover dramas, tasteless comedies, and saccharine romances for many reasons. First, we’re too apathetic or submissive to demand quality fare. Second, when something worthwhile is served, we don’t buy it—we send it back to the kitchen dismissively and keep on complaining. Third, mom and dad have let junior set the menu.

Can you imagine if parents let their kids do this in real life? “Let’s see, mom—I’ll have sugar flakes and pastry tarts for breakfast; corn chips and candy for lunch (with a cola chaser); and for dinner, dessert.”

Kids like cotton candy. And most modern movies are just that—easy to put out, nice to look at, and full of hot air. Cotton candy gives the illusion of substance and is definitely a crowd favorite, but too much of it will make your teeth and your tummy pop out.

So, what can we do to get cinematic food that is more healthful? To start with, care about what it is you are consuming—become a more discriminating moviegoer. Learn some movie grammar. There are differences between genres, and thus, different standards for judging different movies. For example, if the dilemma in Apollo 13 was resolved by reconfiguring the anti-matter transcombobulator, we’d think it was a terrible movie. If Captain Kirk did the same thing in a last-ditch effort to save white whales from the evil Ahabians, we’d think it was cool. This requires a bit of effort, but is well worth it.

Next, go see good movies on opening weekend. You may only be a foot soldier in the culture war, but even a foot soldier can vote with his feet. The movie industry bases most of its decisions on box office results from opening weekend. If a good movie opens well, you can bet movie big wigs are taking notice. If you want to see more movies like The Chronicles of Narnia or The Passion of the Christ, go to the movies. A lot. And buy them on DVD when they come out.

Don’t go to bad movies, but please, no belly-aching. Not every movie has to have Jesus rising from the dead to be a good movie. Not everyone in Hollywood is a liberal, money-grubbing, anti-Catholic conspirator. For the most part, it’s just business (there are glaring exceptions—Brokeback Mountain comes to mind). But remember: vote with your feet.

Finally, don’t let your kids see bad movies. Yes, I mean it in the sense of protect their innocence, but I also mean don’t let them watch movies that are poorly made or patronizing.

Movies are not going away. To be culturally literate you need to be able to talk intelligently about movies. You and your kids need to learn how to discern good from evil, quality from garbage. We can’t keep our kids in a fortress and preserve them from Hollywood’s influence—there are too many Trojan horses. But we can teach them to look a gift horse in the mouth. Your kids are the ones who will be making movies tomorrow. Feed them well and the industry can change.

In conclusion, I want to write about movies for the people. I hope to provide readers with practical advice about what movies to see and practical instruction on how to view movies. I’ll recommend new releases, rentals, movies to buy, and movies for families.